April 19, 2006

Changes, life, love, sadness, happiness, whatever.

Isn't it funny how unsatisfied we are? People as a whole that is. You go for weeks feeling blah. Working to get somewhere that just seems to take you nowhere. Then, all of the sudden, whoosh...you were looking for a little action and there it is. Only, you weren't looking for this much action, you just wanted to fix some problems, get a little attention here. Now you feel as if this tidal wave just took your feet out from under you and you feel lost. Say you're a pretty confident person, you know who you are, you know why you are what you are and how you ended up that way. Then why are you questioning so many things? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you are strong in the things that matter...it seems to be the little things. How stupid, this is a blog. Journaling, no "you's" I guess that means that all of those "you's" are actually "I's". Why do I feel this way? I love the Lord, that isn't even a question in this category. This is the category of only the strong survive. Here I am, wondering "how much is too much?" Do I have even 10 more pounds left before I can no longer go on? Does the stress just stay until one day I stop and realize that I did something dreadfully wrong? I don't know, but I think that Natalie girl that disappeared in Aruba, was on to something. I mean, think about it. I could kiss my family and friends goodbye, fly out to an unknown location and live forever. A whole new life, I could be like Mother Tereasa. Give sacrificially of myself to millions of people who would be grateful. Living far away with no cares other than the people I am helping. But no, I'm not going to do any of these things. I love Adam. In fact, I would be happily single if I didn't love him too much to leave behind. I love my job, my family and my friends. That's where the hard part comes in. I love all of these things too much to lose. I guess that is the life you live- you love and you lose. You lose family in the circle of life...hoping and praying that something that you said mattered. You lose friends as the rifts grow and as things change and as invisible yet meaningless walls are built. You lose that beloved job and life you chose, not because you weren't good at it or because you were asked to give it up, but simply because seasons change. Everything will circle and ends will meet. There will be new experiences, breathtaking experiences to come. But things aren't so clear on foggy nights. I can't see downtown from that stop sign on Softwood. You know that one over by the elementary school? Well, the skyline is still there and even though I can't see it tonight...there are blue skies in the forcast for this weekend.


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